Memories for Christmas.

Christmas 2002.
Ashton's tumor had metastasized to his back, the Doctors couldn't operate on it because it was to risky. The tumor was pinching nerves in his back, making it painful for him to walk at all. He explained it to me once, he said it was like a lot of needles pricking his feet all at once. He was in a wheel chair, and at times using a walker to get around. My mom had told Taylor and I that he may never be able to walk again. For Christmas my mom had asked for only one thing for Ashton to walk just a few steps, and even though it was physically painful for him he did it for her. My mom took a home video of it. I don't even remember what I got for Christmas that year, it didn't matter it was our last Christmas with Ashton and I'll remember it forever!

Christmas 2003
It was our first Christmas without Ashton. I remember going to temple square in Salt Lake City with Taylor and my mom on Christmas Eve to look at the lights. When we came home we had a snack, sat on the kitchen floor, and shared memories we had of Ashton. My mom started to cry. To make her laugh Taylor got up and started dancing. I leaned my head against my mom's shoulder and said "Isn't this great dinner and a show." she started laughing.
It was hard to learn through the years that even though he isn't here there are still great memories to be had. Christmas day we woke up to open our gifts. There was almost no money for Christmas that year, because of everything that had happened. The LDS church we were going to at the time all pitched in. I remember all I wanted that year was a sewing machine, I got it and more. The church was there for us on more than one occasion while Ashton was sick they would take turns mowing our lawn, they would make sure we always had food. They were just there for us, they did some wonderful things for us and helped us through a rough time. One thing I remember the most about Christmas morning 2003 was, while Taylor and I were opening our gifts my mom was looking out our front room window a little teary eyed, it had started snowing. She looked at Taylor and I, and said "Isn't this just such a wonderful blessing."  She had never noticed the snow before, but she did this year. Maybe it was Ashton letting her know in his own way that he was still there with us.

Every year for Christmas now my dad, and all of my family get together at Ashton's grave, we light candles and sing Christmas Carole's, to wish him a Merry Christmas.

These stories remind me of why I love Christmas so much.
Every year I get gifts, that I am grateful for, but forget about within a year. The gifts I remember, are the ones you cant put in a box, you cant wrap a ribbon around them, and you cant buy them at any store for any amount of money. The gifts that are the most precious to me are the memories that are made with my family. I used to take this for granted, but Ashton has changed everything. These memories are all I have left of Ashton. He may not have left behind much, but he will always be remembered, and loved.


Please this year forget about gifts forget about money, forget about bills, and make some memories with your family, tell them that you love them, because the memories you make with your family are the gifts you all will carry with you forever.



Merry Christmas.

From they day that I first met you, until the very end. You were my brother, My friend!

"I remember when I met you. You were very small indeed. Before we even knew it you were learning how to read. I watched as you became ill, with all the aches, pains and, pokes and pricks, I watched your brown eyes stay hopeful, big and rich.
I remember when you couldn't run and play, I now know that your able to do that today. I still think you'll walk through our front door even though I cannot see your face anymore.
I remember when god said you were ready, and there was nothing we could do. Oh how we cried when we all kissed and, said goodbye to you. You were only 7 years old and I felt it wasn't fair! We needed you here as much as god needed you there.
I had to know I trusted him, I had to know he cared, I had to know heaven was worth what my little brother had barred.
When your small life ended I cried for many days, and through the years I lived my life in many different ways.
It has been years, but I can still see your eyes, the ones that stayed hopeful and never worried or cried, until you left our side; until you understood you would say goodbye for now. One tear fell down your cheek when god called you back to where you are still now.
"If I could take his place I would." is what I used to think.
 I was angry you were sick, and I was angry with the pokes and pricks. I didn't understand what god had planned, but he knew what he was doing when he introduced us both and for a while he let me be your big sister and take you by the hand.
 I felt like I was your teacher at times we two did fight, but now I've grown older and I can see a light.
Now I know you are where you should be, and you are still shinning down your light on me. I'm not angry anymore because I know you're happy and in that way dear little brother you've brought heaven closer to me."

-Nicole Larkin